What a Business School Graduate Thinks His First Day of Work Will Be Like

(Thanks to Drew Kipe for taking some time away from the 2010 NFL Draft research to find us this great College Humor post that is fitting for this month. Congratulations Class of 2009)

What a Business School Graduate Thinks His First Day of Work Will Be Like

by Nick Griffith on 6 days ago


CEO: Good morning everybody, let's get started. On to the only and most important order of business, introducing our new employee, James.

Everyone in the boardroom starts applauding.

CEO: James graduated from State University where he had a 2.45 GPA.

Oohs and Ahhs fill the boardroom along with whispers.

CEO: We'll be getting him started immediately on our most important and vital projects.

More applause.

Veronica: Hello James, I'm your personal secretary. If you need anything, and I mean anything, don't be shy. Did I mention how cute I think you are?

CEO: That reminds me, here is your company credit card to use for lunches, dinners, and entertaining clients and/or Veronica at the bars.

Veronica: Ooh that sounds fun! Whoops, I dropped my pen, let me bend down to grab it.

CEO: Now James, I want you to know that my door is always open and I would love to discuss any ideas that you have at any time. Do not feel obligated to discuss anything with your direct supervisor as I know you are just as qualified as he is even though you just started and he has worked here for 12 years.

Veronica: Wow that took me a long time to pick up that pen, I hope my skirt didn't ride up too high while I was bending over. Would you like me to show you to your private office now? It should be ready, I think they just finished installing the flat screen TV.


CEO: In a minute Veronica, first I want to see if anybody has any questions for James before we get him started.

Johnson: Yeah I got a question for the hot shot. How would you improve profitability for the third quarter in our foreign markets?

James: Um... I suppose the best way would be to increase sales and decrease expenses.

Smith: Brilliant! Why didn't we think of that?

Brown: A true visionary!

Veronica: Ooh handsome and a genius.

CEO: I knew I made the right decision by hiring you and paying you twice what you were asking.

Smith: Looks like someone's gunning for your job, Johnson.

Johnson: But I'm the Vice President of International Marketing. I've worked here for 32 years. You can't tell me that this young punk thinks he's going to have my job.

CEO: Actually now that I think of it, that's what we're going to do. James is promoted to VP of International Marketing. Johnson, you're fired. Clear out your desk.

Everyone applauds. Veronica takes off her blouse.

Johnson: You can't be serious!

CEO: On second thought, don't clear out your desk. We'll just give all that stuff to James, including your personal items.

Johnson: But I'm getting ready to leave for the Conference in Paris. I've already got plane tickets.

CEO: Well now you're not. James, you will be going. We'll buy you tickets immediately. On second thought, why don't you just take the corporate jet? And take Veronica with you. You might get lonely as the Conference is two weeks long.

Veronica: Ooh fun! Whoops I dropped my pen again.

(Probably not a True Story.)

What's In the Fridge?

(Editor's Note: Whatever is in that fridge, it must be skunked. Damn it has been a while.)

-Yeah, so what? I’ve been busy…drinkin’ had to take a backseat while I was working on another “bad habit” of mine. But don’t call it a comeback, both Narragansett and I have been here for years.

What more can be said about a beer that comes at you in a 16oz can? When most beers CHOOSE to be served via aluminum, they go beyond the 12oz mark of mediocrity and enter a realm of greatness. But what else makes Narragansett great? Is it that it comes from a Rhode that is not a road, nor an island? (It’s not even brewed in Rhode Island!) Is it the fact that even the biggest beer snobs will acknowledge its place in the pantheon of beer? Or is it the seven bucks for a sixer?

None of the above ladies and gentlemen. Quite simply, it’s just a beer. It’s a beer that tastes like a freakin’ beer. Do you remember when you were a kid and your role at a family party was to serve as a beer wench? Do you remember what you did with the empties? Yeah you do…you turned into a wet/dry vac and tried to suck back whatever alcoholic residue you could (what’s that thing on Uncle Barney’s lip?). Now, remember what that beer tasted like? Like warm piss. You SWORE you’d never drink beer because of the “taste”.



So, when you finally got to high school, and all you could find were your Dad’s three warm cans of Miller Lite, you did what every other red-blooded dopey teenager would do…you chugged. After the first, you thought you would heave because of the memory of Uncle Barney’s warm beer (not to mention that thing on his lip). But you wanted to get “messed-up”, so down went beer number 2…not so bad…and the third beer you actually liked.

You liked it, BECAUSE IT WAS BEER!!! As with any new food, we all need time to adjust. As a father, I can tell you that even doctors say to feed your kids new food over and over again, even if they don’t like it at first. But after time, the palate adjusts.

Narragansett is a beer that tastes like beer. Not a hoppy beer, not a strong beer, not a fruity beer. It’s a beer that reminds you of times when your biggest concern was whether or not you were going to see boob.

So to all of you, entering this brave new world of ours fresh out of college, enjoy the last few moments of irresponsibility. Enjoy a Narragansett! Enjoy the boobs! (Just watch out for where Uncle Barney has been…)

True Story

Wow, where did we go?

Sorry to everyone who has been arriving at our site and has seen April at the top of the page for the last week and a half. Jesus, we need to step up our game here. To those of you loyal readers, we're sure you know almost every word to that new Red and Meth joint. A few things to catch up on now that we have a pulse again:

-What Manny? Enough has been said already, as blogs and television have given us every possible perspective. We are not going to give you another weird blog opinion on this, other than, J Bay Bay!

-I-Biz has been up to no good as well, sending us this gem for all of you to enjoy:



A good precursor to this. Where's Uncle Phil when you need him?

-College Humor has been busy while we were gone too. This is UNbelievable, as the 25 things had been making us uncomfortable for a while now. Don't get us wrong, however, we are addicted to that goddamn website as well. Adding to the greatness of this video, its about time we saw a good parody song of Radiohead fan Miley Cyrus:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

-Want some (Un?)necessary rap that you missed this past Wednesday? We got some for you, NBA Playoffs edition. People realize Ron Artest is a) out of his mind and b) a great basketball player. So, while him and Kobe battle on the court throughout the Lakers-Rockets series, do you realize this is also a battle between two great rap stars?



Take it all in. Please.

-Finally, things are as crazy as ever in the real world. We feel like this is an accurate summary of the current influenza outbreak that is scaring the hell out of everyone. Not suitable for work/minors/lack of humor/lack of Winnie the Pooh knowledge:




Don't call it a comeback, we've been here for months.


True Story.