What a Business School Graduate Thinks His First Day of Work Will Be Like

(Thanks to Drew Kipe for taking some time away from the 2010 NFL Draft research to find us this great College Humor post that is fitting for this month. Congratulations Class of 2009)

What a Business School Graduate Thinks His First Day of Work Will Be Like

by Nick Griffith on 6 days ago


CEO: Good morning everybody, let's get started. On to the only and most important order of business, introducing our new employee, James.

Everyone in the boardroom starts applauding.

CEO: James graduated from State University where he had a 2.45 GPA.

Oohs and Ahhs fill the boardroom along with whispers.

CEO: We'll be getting him started immediately on our most important and vital projects.

More applause.

Veronica: Hello James, I'm your personal secretary. If you need anything, and I mean anything, don't be shy. Did I mention how cute I think you are?

CEO: That reminds me, here is your company credit card to use for lunches, dinners, and entertaining clients and/or Veronica at the bars.

Veronica: Ooh that sounds fun! Whoops, I dropped my pen, let me bend down to grab it.

CEO: Now James, I want you to know that my door is always open and I would love to discuss any ideas that you have at any time. Do not feel obligated to discuss anything with your direct supervisor as I know you are just as qualified as he is even though you just started and he has worked here for 12 years.

Veronica: Wow that took me a long time to pick up that pen, I hope my skirt didn't ride up too high while I was bending over. Would you like me to show you to your private office now? It should be ready, I think they just finished installing the flat screen TV.


CEO: In a minute Veronica, first I want to see if anybody has any questions for James before we get him started.

Johnson: Yeah I got a question for the hot shot. How would you improve profitability for the third quarter in our foreign markets?

James: Um... I suppose the best way would be to increase sales and decrease expenses.

Smith: Brilliant! Why didn't we think of that?

Brown: A true visionary!

Veronica: Ooh handsome and a genius.

CEO: I knew I made the right decision by hiring you and paying you twice what you were asking.

Smith: Looks like someone's gunning for your job, Johnson.

Johnson: But I'm the Vice President of International Marketing. I've worked here for 32 years. You can't tell me that this young punk thinks he's going to have my job.

CEO: Actually now that I think of it, that's what we're going to do. James is promoted to VP of International Marketing. Johnson, you're fired. Clear out your desk.

Everyone applauds. Veronica takes off her blouse.

Johnson: You can't be serious!

CEO: On second thought, don't clear out your desk. We'll just give all that stuff to James, including your personal items.

Johnson: But I'm getting ready to leave for the Conference in Paris. I've already got plane tickets.

CEO: Well now you're not. James, you will be going. We'll buy you tickets immediately. On second thought, why don't you just take the corporate jet? And take Veronica with you. You might get lonely as the Conference is two weeks long.

Veronica: Ooh fun! Whoops I dropped my pen again.

(Probably not a True Story.)