Happy Monday

(NSFW language)


Mega-NFL post coming soon from Drew Kipe!......Get in that ass.


True Story.

Alternative Awesomeness

Ok, Ok, its been a while since we've made an update. Shoot us. Feel better now? Good.

We're not sure if any of you have heard about this new movie that came out, but supposedly there's a film about a chick who gets caught in this weird vampire love triangle. While the appeal of this teeny-bopper-Dracula stuff confuses us worse than Calculus, one thing in particular has not gone unnoticed amongst all of this hullabaloo: a kick-ass soundtrack that features a star-studied roster of quality music acts. Here are a few of our favorites:



Why yes, its everybody's favorite Wisconsin winter wood whisperer! Take a listen to this haunting song while you try and get over that awesome alliteration.



The first single from the album, many of you have probably seen/heard this already. Classic over-dramatic/I'm really emo and I love it type Death Cab, but a guilty pleasure nonetheless.



OK Go comes in with a quality song here...for an even better song by them check out their new (and absurd) video for WTF. An amazing video, if you get past the fact that the lead singer ISN'T actually Scarecrow from Batman Begins/Dark Knight.



Ah yes, our favorite of the soundtrack, as well as an awkward closeup of the movie poster. A huge Radiohead bias here, but its our blog, and we can do whatever we want. Good talk, see you out there!

True Story.

Beer and Loathing In Portland

So it has taken me about a week to dry out from last weekend and be able to file this report. As it was observed on our trip, if you can’t complete a sentence until you start drinking, then you might be an alcoholic.


The weekend of November 6-7 brought four men into the city of Portland, Maine in order to taste the finest that the Pine State has to offer. And the 2009 Maine Brewers Festival not only brought out the finest, but also some of Maine’s dirty little secrets.

On the night before the festival Charlie “Smooth as Sandpaper” Boyle, Ian “Baked in Vermont” Boyle, Brady “Hot Dog Muffin” Hollingsworth and myself arrived in the outer-limits of the city. Fortified by food and drink we called on our trusty steed (Charlie the Cab Driver) to deliver us to one of Portland’s finer drinking establishments. Thanks to the management and lovely bartender at Novare Res, I was able to expose my drinking buddies to a wide spectrum of great beer. The goal of this session was to set their pallets and strengthen their livers for the beer festival that followed. While in the midst of the second round, our good friend and Portland resident Kim “Dark Lord of the Low End” Bird was able to join us. Here is a list (from what I can remember) from that night at the bar:


Monchshof Festbier
Schnieder Aventinus Eisbock
North Coast Old Rasputin
Teras Boulba
Ridgeway Bitter
La Rulles Triple
Ayinger Octoberfest
De Ranke XX Bitter
Schlenkerla Maerzen
Saison Dupont
Unibroue 16
Bluebird Bitter


I think we were able to appreciate a worldwide scope of the brewing arts while at Novare Res. Countries represented included Canada, England, Belgium, Germany and the United States. Styles ranged from maerzens, bocks, stouts, pale ales, saisons, triples, and English bitters. Flavors were from sweet to bitter, malty to smoky, meaty to bready. After such a long period of imbibition, it was time to eat and sleep. Thanks to Kim, it was off to Flatbread Company for pizza and then back to the HoJos…




Not worse for the wear, Saturday morning was time to pile in the carbs and build a nice beer-drinking base. After breakfast, the countdown had begun and the drinking commenced at 1:30pm. There was something oddly satisfying about drinking in a high school gym. Even though advertised as the Portland Expo Center, the Portland High School Basketball banners said otherwise.

The night before, we experienced flavors of the world. Saturday afternoon, it was all Maine and only Maine. The usual suspects were there: Allagash, Shipyard, Sea Dog, Geary’s, and Gritty McDuff’s. But the breweries that called our attention were Bar Harbor, Federal Jack’s/Kennebunkport, Kennebec River, Sebago, and Sheepscot Valley. A great beer (not necessarily a surprise since Kim made me promise to try it) was Sheepscot Valley’s Pemaquid Ale. I would have never guessed that it was a Scottish ale. There was no heavy-handed alcohol taste, much like Geary’s Wee Heavy; instead the Pemaquid Ale had a nutty-taste, more in line with a rich brown ale.



However, a couple of samplings did fall short. One really can’t say that they were surprisingly bad, at a beer festival when deciding whether or not to try a beer you should consider:

1. The name of the beer.
2. The length of the line of people waiting for the beer.

For the first bad beer, we should have considered both criteria. The beer in question was Kennebec River’s Magic Hole IPA. First (cue Europe’s The Final Countdown), magic isn’t always a good thing. Second, there was NO line for this beer! The representatives from Kennebec even seemed to realize the poor quality of their beer, giggling at the joke that they were dispensing. At best, perhaps it was just a keg that had been left out in the sun all summer long. At worst, they actually try to brew a beer that combines a one-two punch of bitter and sour with a hint of skunk.

When in line for the next bad beer, we should have been tipped-off by the name. There must be a lot of masochists in the state of Maine because there was a large line for this beer. But how could something called Taint Town be good? Besides stating the obvious, Taint Town Pale Ale just had a nasty funk. Soon after downing the Taint, Charlie and I needed something strong to wash away the taste. The only thing that we thought could do the job was Shipyard’s XXXX IPA.

India pale ale’s have a reputation of being bitter and palate cleansing. So even if a quadruple X beverage may have the potential of bringing in the pain, hopefully it would wash out the funk.

The XXXX IPA was the answer to our prayers. Strong enough to slap the Taint out of our mouths, there was enough flavor to go for seconds. A knock on a lot of hop monster ales is that the mouth-feel of the beer is reminiscent of syrup. However, the XXXX IPA was a clean and crisp beer with enough bite that would hold up next to some of the hoppiest West Coast IPAs.

But the Best In Show at the 2009 Maine Brewers Festival was Allagash’s Hugh Mallone Ale. A clean, refreshing Belgian IPA that reminds you of how GREAT beer can be. Take your favorite IPA, and combine with the classic Belgian taste found in whites and triples, you would then have Hugh Mallone. We should have guessed from the long line, the Hugh Mallone was certainly the jewel of the Portland High basketball court.

Even though we were done at the festival, our time in Portland did not end. Our pub crawl took us from the Expo Center to Rivalries Sports Bar, Gritty McDuff’s, J’s Oyster, and finally $3 Deweys. Closing out with a combination of Guinness, Pabst Blue Ribbon, J’s Lobster Stew, and Victory Hop Wallop, it was time to call a cab, sip a Heinie and go to sleep.


All in all it was a very successful venture into the northern edge of the Massachusetts Bay Colony. Many thanks to Kim and our cabbies, without them, we probably would still be held in Portland without bail. Lesson’s learned? Well, stay away from magic holes and anything taint.

-Bill

Now watchu know about the banana and mayonnaise?

Yessuh, Yessuh. ... Goodie Mob is back!!

(Un)necessary Rap is back with a tribute to not just ATL but all Southern Rap

True Story has finally woken up out of the 9-to-5 funk to get you what you need, America.

More Cee-Lo. More Khujo. More T-Mo. More Big Gipp.

More Goodie Mob.

Turns out one of True Story's favorite acts out the Dirty and one of the most influential groups EVER in Southern Hip Hop, (besides, you know, ahem, their close friends and colleagues), who helped pave the way for classic southern artists (and conversely whatever else garbage music that is making money these days) closed the 2009 BET awards down (in their hometown, no doubt) with a throwback '95 Jam and their first classic jam "Cell Therapy"

Enjoy:

The Live Performance (And, uhm, yes. Cee-lo is wearing a jacket made of the "Jelly Shoes" Material....moving on!):



The Classic video:




In other notes, also throwin it down from the 2009 BET Awards was The Cypher, live from Greenpoint in the B-R-O, OK? L-Y-N, Come again?

Starring:

• DJ Premier
  
• Nicki Minaj (newest artist to Young Moolah)
  
• Buckshot (of Black Moon fame)
  
• Crown Royal (BET Contest Winner outta Bucktown)
  
• Joe Budden (Still bitter at Jay-z)
  
• Wale (BK chillin today)
  
• Nipsey Hussle (who honestly should just say he's one of the Doggfather's kids)
  
• GSAN (Why no pic? seriously, try to google him...you can't find him either)
  
• KRS-One (more on him in a minute...that Nike part slays us every time)
  
• Mos Def
  
• Black Thought
  
• Eminem
  

P.S. does anyone else think that KRS-One can't actually speak without freestyling anymore? Like he just speaks in rhymes?

Honestly, We aren't knockin it, on the contrary. However, why do we feel like these conversations happen on a regular basis? :

"Hey it's the Teacher! Where you goin KRS one?"
"KRS-One, gotta go to the Store! Just ran outta Milk gotta get me some More!"
"Oh.....Ok"

Anyways, now we are rambling... Git Up, Git Out and Git Somethin, America.

Enjoy, the weekend... Thank God for Friday's!

True Soul Food.

"Hold up? Born in '88? How old is that?.......Old enough."

Its been a while since you've received some (Un?)necessary Rap, so here ya go. From earlier this summer, this song by Kid Cudi, Ye, and Common (with help from the immortal Lady Gaga's 'Poker Face') hasn't gotten old whatsoever. Throw in some great split-screen editing and you have a quality video. Also, proof once again that Kanye makes up for his deplorable shenanigans with great music.

Kid Cudi - New Music - More Music Videos

True Story.

MLB 2009 Playoff Predictions

Last year didn't work out too well, so we're hoping to redeem ourselves:

AL/NLDS

Yankees over Twins in 4

-Awesome win, Minnesota, but lets be serious.

Angels over Red Sox in 5

-4th time's a charm.

Phillies over Rockies in 3

-Lee and Hamels dominate.

Cardinals over Dodgers in 5

-Cardinals just seem better.





ALCS:

Yankees over Angels in 6

-Too much firepower for the halos, as much as this makes us puke.






NLCS:

Phillies over Cardinals in 7

-Classic series goes the distance.





World Series:

Phillies over Yankees in 6

-Easily our two least favorite teams in baseball. Both have incredible lineups, but we don't think the Yanks' rotation will hold up as well as the Phillies'.

True Back-to-Back?

(GO SOX!)

Alternative Awesomeness

Just released and free to download on their website! For those of you who haven't heard these guys, this is per usual goofiness. We particularly love the percussion/xylophone.

True Story

Just another day in Berkshire County.....

Reading the Berkshire Eagle (Western Mass' newspaper), you couldn't help but come across the headline titled Officer pulls gun to ward off attacker....what a joke right? You know nothing is going on in a city when the top headline is a police officer taking a gun off his waist. But patience pays off sometimes.....Keep reading, and you are rewarded most graciously. Taken straight from Eagle reporter Conor Berry:

After that, Boody dropped to the ground and started rolling around while Colello called for assistance. More officers arrived to help subdue Boody, who continued to thrash and kick as he was handcuffed.

Boody admitted to snorting a line of cocaine at a local bar prior to his arrest.

At some point during the evening, he said, he came to the aid of an injured deer on Valentine Road. Boody told officers that he "cuddled" the small deer because it was "crying" and claimed he was shot in the head with an arrow.

Police noticed a scratch on the right side of Boody's bald head but apparently never recovered an arrow. However, officers did recover quantities of cocaine in Boody's car and in his clothing, police said.

I mean, this is just bad journalism. If this article had been titled based on the victim's point of view rather than the officer's, this would be a national headline:

"Man high on cocaine attempts to assault officer at porn shop parking lot after alleged roadkill cuddling."


True Story.

Alternative Awesomeness

Sorry for the long hiatus. More coming soon. In time meantime, this is a real solid song, enjoy!


True Story.

Alternative Awesomeness

OK, I'm not gonna lie, this is probably my favorite band and its a shameless plug. Don't worry about it. This one is off the new EP (of the same name) that is gaining steam with alt-rock people everywhere. No video for this one, but here is the equally as good live version.





True Story.

Death of Autotune?

Not yet......not yet.......

You can try as hard as you want, Jay Z, but there is one thing you cannot do. You cannot destroy Tallahassee Pain without a fight.



(Gold star to Lindsay for the link)




True Story.

Alternative Awesomeness

Next up in our newest segment, Grizzly Bear and their song "Two Weeks", ironically the amount of time it took us to follow up our first entry. There is a music video for this song, but it's kind of creepy and this performance they did last year on Letterman is too good not to post. Like what you hear/see? Veckatimest was released in May 2009 and is probably in our personal top 3 of 2009.



True Story.

Sometimes you just have to take initiative....

We heard about this on the radio and had to investigate. The internet comes up big once again:



We all know times are tough. That means people all over the country are taking matters into their own.....thighs. Beer is expensive, gym memberships are expensive, sharing is expensive. Oversized house-coats and god-given ability: not expensive. We have to hand it to Lisa for covering all the bases on this play. Not only does she walk off with a rack of brews, she gives her thighs a workout no thigh-master could duplicate. I don't think anyone is going to want to drink any of those beers when she gets home, so the sharing part is taken care of too. She did get caught, but I'm pretty sure you don't need Bill to tell you what's in Lisa's fridge.

True Story.

(Un?)necessary Rap Wednesdays

Introducing, BEP, pre-Fergie. On one level, you can say that Black Eyed Peas have turned into one of the hottest groups of the decade. On the other hand, in our own view, we have seen one of the finest underground hip-hop groups around re-invent themselves, and in the process, completely abandon their musical greatness with this one addition to the group (not to mention making the other members not named Will.I.Am and Fergie relatively insignificant). Behold, an old-school jam and amazing video that not too many know about, circa 1998:



True Story.

What's In the Fridge?

LAGUNITAS PILS

- All right kiddos, just like pretzels may make you thirsty, heat waves drive me to drink. Something about feeling like your breathing through a wet sock requires liquid nourishment. Yeah, yeah, beer is a diuretic, but when the heat index is driving you nuts, it’s the only way go to. Water ain’t going to cut it.

Lagunitas Pils may provide the best respite to these hot summer nights. Don’t let the light color of this beer fool you, this is not a citrus syrup beer. And there is no need to get fruity with extra vitamin C on the edge of your glass. This Czech style pilsner delivers zest and refreshment merely through a combination of malts and hops.

So now you might be asking why you should be spending more money on a sixer of Lagunitas instead of the typical Kool-Aid beer you and your bros normally drink? Besides having a set of testicles, why do you insist on drinking beer made with fruit? Sure, simple economics tell you that $10 is more money to spend then $5. Well, congratulations, I guess college wasn’t a total waste. But let me ask you this Ben Stein, what good is $5 extra bucks when you can’t even peel your sweaty butt off the couch to even spend it?

Oh, and when you’re winning races in this heat, it’s just time to celebrate with a deliciously made beer. Eat that Dos Equis!!!

True Story.

aaaaaand

you're welcome.



True...ingenuity?

F the horizon

We're posting it right now

Cuz we can

and you know you like it America

Behold, The Pharcyde's/Spike Jonze's CLASSIC "Drop",
all while changing the music video game in the process by being filmed backwards

Watch for the Beastie's kids...

Oh, and check out the Stool for some of that Gangsta D*@$
Too Good to be Hat-Tipped

True Story.

Alternative Awesomeness

So we feel like it may be time for us to share some of our new indie/alternative music favorites in order to ease some readers from certain frustrations of radio play. As a result of this inclination, these will become a recurring theme. Hooray!



The first selection comes from the band Animal Collective who pretty much bitch-slapped every other band with their album Merriweather Post Pavilion earlier this year. In the word's of I-Biz: "Its what the Beach Boys would sound like if they had built upon every musical development of the past 30 years." Touche.

PS. No worries, we hear rumors that (Un?)necessary rap may be also on the horizon.


True Weird Mouths.

Breaking News: Billy Mays was not-so oxy-clean

(CNN) -- An autopsy report issued Friday by Hillsborough County, Florida, cites cocaine as a contributing factor in the death of TV pitchman Billy Mays, who died in June at age 50.

"Mays died from a lethal arrhythmia of the heart caused by hypertensive and arteriosclerotic heart disease," the county said in a statement attributed to Dr. Leszek Chrostowski, the associate medical examiner who conducted the autopsy.

"He further concluded that cocaine use caused or contributed to the development of his heart disease, and therefore contributed to his death," it added.


This is about as suprising as a plot twist in a Jerry Bruckheimer movie.

True Story.

LeMarcBre

We usually aren't for shameless promotions of anything but ourselves, but check out some material from constant True Story contributor LeMarcBre. His website can be accessed here and there are some videos below: The first one is his track "The Wheel" that employs the famous True Story style of randomly linking redundantly unnecessary and amusing pictures to what is said. Don't worry, we'll hit him up on the royalties. Besides that, we particularly enjoy the sample from a movie you might have seen (NSFW language):



The other track is "Let It Be", a song that received a favorable reception at "The Pub" in Amherst, MA. Video was not shot sober at the previously mentioned location:



True Story.

Special Infomercial Megapost

As you all know, there have been a lot of ridiculous infomercials to grace the television recently. Along with that, we felt it appropriate to honor True Story favorite, the immortal, Billy Mays. Therefore, we are taking this as an excuse to return to our regular posting schedule with an infomercial megapost!



This is really shameless, and its kind of sad that Clubber Lang was in need of money so badly.



For those of you who can't believe that this golden grizzly gets to 2nd base all over the country, we are pretty sure this is a real product. Unbelievable. But wait, it gets even better:



I know, many of you have probably seen this already....we are sure it will be all over the news within the next week. Nonetheless, True Story commends shameless HJ aerobics with our full seal of approval.



Just in case any True Readers need some help with their fruity watermelon baskets. We think that "about to go on a roller coaster ride to planet fun" would be the best description ever for an eHarmony profile. Complete with the hand motion of course. Moving on....



(NSFW!!)This isn't even an infomercial, but it is an advertisement, and a fine one at that. And finally:



We don't even know what to say to this. Like a Picasso painting or a novel by Oscar Wilde, this needs to be interpreted individually. Bonus video:



The Pitchman himself orders food from MacDo's the only way he knows how.

True Story.

What The...

#7 Dance song on iTunes.



Bat$#!t.



True Content Coming Soon

If only Billy Mays were alive to advertise this...

From Drew Kiper Jr:



Sorry for the lack of posts. We don't even have the economy to blame. We love you.

True Recession.

More Hurricane Chris

Oh my dear god. Did this actually happen? We ripped this off of barstoolsports.com, but it was just too damn appropriate with last week's post. From the Louisiana House Chamber, please skip to the 4:10 mark in the video.

(Isn't it in bad taste for someone from Shreveport, LA to take on a rap name which involves a natural disaster that has decimated the state countless times? Anyone? Anyone?)



God. Bless. America.


True Story.

Vacation

This is why True Story shouldn't be allowed to go on an extended vacation
(NSFW...effing puppets.)

I mean seriously, Iran goes batshit, North Korea threatens nuclear war with...everybody(??), Colbert goes bald (for a great cause)...and even Long Island tries to become the 51st state.


But none of this....NONE of this compares to the kind of (Un?)necessary Rap that we have kept from you during this slacking, America.

We know, we know
Unacceptable.

Fear not, Louisiana lends us a hand with bringing this blog back to "WTF Was Just Said In That Rap Song" prominence.

We give you....Halle Berry (She's Fine)





Now....clearly Halle Berry has heard of this, and there is word of prompt litigation of Hurricane Chris (or is that Rajon Rondo?); information further backed by the creation of a new version "She's Fine".

That'll happen. Unfortunately, that still isn't the whackest thing she's done in the past.

(Pssh, we know what you're thinking, you thought the link was something else. Whatever. We liked it. Wanna fight about it?)

So pump that jam and make sure you pay attention at 2:26

I'm finna flip her through traffic
With tha top back of tha donk
Girl I guarantee I can make you go num-num-num num-num

Uh....right?

But anyways, no worries about the lawsuit Ms. Berry...we still like.

And don't you worry America, more to come soon!

True Ellen.

It Just Got a Little Dusty In Here......

Just found out about this ESPN "30 for 30" project in which filmmakers all over the world will contribute. Taking from The Futon Critic.com:

"Debuting in October 2009, "30 for 30" will gather 30 filmmakers to each create one-hour films on topics from 1979 to 2009, ESPN's first 30 years."

Wow, what a great idea. here's the whole link. Barry Levinson, Peter Berg(Friday Night Lights TV Show), Spike Lee, and Steve Nash!

Speaking of Nash's project, this brings us back to a story we heard from NYC resident I-Biz. Apparently he saw the 2-Time MVP on the subway on the way to work reading My First Movie. It all makes sense now, as he was probably prepping himself up for what will turn out to be, in reality, his first movie. His subject? Fellow Canuck Terry Fox. To say this is inspirational would be an understatement. Thankfully, ESPN (we read about this on Bill Simmons' Twitter account) already did a piece on him to give us a little preview as to what we can expect:



Wow, it just got a little dusty in here. We swear it must be allergies.

True Story.

Incredible

No words.




True Story.

True Vacation

Hey everybody,

Due to our coincidental graduation from higher educational institutions, we have been missing in action for a while. There is a lot to catch up on, as always. So you know what this means: lots of random videos!

First check out this video of former Sox GM Dan Duquette. Lou Merloni, former Boston player and current Boston radio personality, blew the PED talks wide open with this interesting accusation. Watch the interview, as The Duke provides his insight and unintentional comedy that is off the charts (especially given his hatred of Roger Clemens). Throw in the fact that one of us worked at his Hinsdale, MA camp he is shamelessly promoting at the end, and you have one fine video clip.




For those of you who like(d) Conan O'Brien, here is one of our favorite segments from his old show in conjunction with his debut this week on the Tonight Show. Want more? Here is a great compilation of his "best of".



In other news, True Story favorite (and icon poster child) Chris Bosh, aka CB4, just got inked with Time Warner for a CD/DVD release due this fall. Link that with him becoming the first athlete in the world to have his own iPhone App and you can say that he is making us very proud. Please watch as he does Toronto's weather better than anyone we have seen in recent memory:



Finally, some (Un?)necessary rap. Fabolous is back on the scene with "Throw It In the Bag" and the absurdity below. We don't even need to explain, you get the point by now.



True Story.

What a Business School Graduate Thinks His First Day of Work Will Be Like

(Thanks to Drew Kipe for taking some time away from the 2010 NFL Draft research to find us this great College Humor post that is fitting for this month. Congratulations Class of 2009)

What a Business School Graduate Thinks His First Day of Work Will Be Like

by Nick Griffith on 6 days ago


CEO: Good morning everybody, let's get started. On to the only and most important order of business, introducing our new employee, James.

Everyone in the boardroom starts applauding.

CEO: James graduated from State University where he had a 2.45 GPA.

Oohs and Ahhs fill the boardroom along with whispers.

CEO: We'll be getting him started immediately on our most important and vital projects.

More applause.

Veronica: Hello James, I'm your personal secretary. If you need anything, and I mean anything, don't be shy. Did I mention how cute I think you are?

CEO: That reminds me, here is your company credit card to use for lunches, dinners, and entertaining clients and/or Veronica at the bars.

Veronica: Ooh that sounds fun! Whoops, I dropped my pen, let me bend down to grab it.

CEO: Now James, I want you to know that my door is always open and I would love to discuss any ideas that you have at any time. Do not feel obligated to discuss anything with your direct supervisor as I know you are just as qualified as he is even though you just started and he has worked here for 12 years.

Veronica: Wow that took me a long time to pick up that pen, I hope my skirt didn't ride up too high while I was bending over. Would you like me to show you to your private office now? It should be ready, I think they just finished installing the flat screen TV.


CEO: In a minute Veronica, first I want to see if anybody has any questions for James before we get him started.

Johnson: Yeah I got a question for the hot shot. How would you improve profitability for the third quarter in our foreign markets?

James: Um... I suppose the best way would be to increase sales and decrease expenses.

Smith: Brilliant! Why didn't we think of that?

Brown: A true visionary!

Veronica: Ooh handsome and a genius.

CEO: I knew I made the right decision by hiring you and paying you twice what you were asking.

Smith: Looks like someone's gunning for your job, Johnson.

Johnson: But I'm the Vice President of International Marketing. I've worked here for 32 years. You can't tell me that this young punk thinks he's going to have my job.

CEO: Actually now that I think of it, that's what we're going to do. James is promoted to VP of International Marketing. Johnson, you're fired. Clear out your desk.

Everyone applauds. Veronica takes off her blouse.

Johnson: You can't be serious!

CEO: On second thought, don't clear out your desk. We'll just give all that stuff to James, including your personal items.

Johnson: But I'm getting ready to leave for the Conference in Paris. I've already got plane tickets.

CEO: Well now you're not. James, you will be going. We'll buy you tickets immediately. On second thought, why don't you just take the corporate jet? And take Veronica with you. You might get lonely as the Conference is two weeks long.

Veronica: Ooh fun! Whoops I dropped my pen again.

(Probably not a True Story.)

What's In the Fridge?

(Editor's Note: Whatever is in that fridge, it must be skunked. Damn it has been a while.)

-Yeah, so what? I’ve been busy…drinkin’ had to take a backseat while I was working on another “bad habit” of mine. But don’t call it a comeback, both Narragansett and I have been here for years.

What more can be said about a beer that comes at you in a 16oz can? When most beers CHOOSE to be served via aluminum, they go beyond the 12oz mark of mediocrity and enter a realm of greatness. But what else makes Narragansett great? Is it that it comes from a Rhode that is not a road, nor an island? (It’s not even brewed in Rhode Island!) Is it the fact that even the biggest beer snobs will acknowledge its place in the pantheon of beer? Or is it the seven bucks for a sixer?

None of the above ladies and gentlemen. Quite simply, it’s just a beer. It’s a beer that tastes like a freakin’ beer. Do you remember when you were a kid and your role at a family party was to serve as a beer wench? Do you remember what you did with the empties? Yeah you do…you turned into a wet/dry vac and tried to suck back whatever alcoholic residue you could (what’s that thing on Uncle Barney’s lip?). Now, remember what that beer tasted like? Like warm piss. You SWORE you’d never drink beer because of the “taste”.



So, when you finally got to high school, and all you could find were your Dad’s three warm cans of Miller Lite, you did what every other red-blooded dopey teenager would do…you chugged. After the first, you thought you would heave because of the memory of Uncle Barney’s warm beer (not to mention that thing on his lip). But you wanted to get “messed-up”, so down went beer number 2…not so bad…and the third beer you actually liked.

You liked it, BECAUSE IT WAS BEER!!! As with any new food, we all need time to adjust. As a father, I can tell you that even doctors say to feed your kids new food over and over again, even if they don’t like it at first. But after time, the palate adjusts.

Narragansett is a beer that tastes like beer. Not a hoppy beer, not a strong beer, not a fruity beer. It’s a beer that reminds you of times when your biggest concern was whether or not you were going to see boob.

So to all of you, entering this brave new world of ours fresh out of college, enjoy the last few moments of irresponsibility. Enjoy a Narragansett! Enjoy the boobs! (Just watch out for where Uncle Barney has been…)

True Story

Wow, where did we go?

Sorry to everyone who has been arriving at our site and has seen April at the top of the page for the last week and a half. Jesus, we need to step up our game here. To those of you loyal readers, we're sure you know almost every word to that new Red and Meth joint. A few things to catch up on now that we have a pulse again:

-What Manny? Enough has been said already, as blogs and television have given us every possible perspective. We are not going to give you another weird blog opinion on this, other than, J Bay Bay!

-I-Biz has been up to no good as well, sending us this gem for all of you to enjoy:



A good precursor to this. Where's Uncle Phil when you need him?

-College Humor has been busy while we were gone too. This is UNbelievable, as the 25 things had been making us uncomfortable for a while now. Don't get us wrong, however, we are addicted to that goddamn website as well. Adding to the greatness of this video, its about time we saw a good parody song of Radiohead fan Miley Cyrus:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

-Want some (Un?)necessary rap that you missed this past Wednesday? We got some for you, NBA Playoffs edition. People realize Ron Artest is a) out of his mind and b) a great basketball player. So, while him and Kobe battle on the court throughout the Lakers-Rockets series, do you realize this is also a battle between two great rap stars?



Take it all in. Please.

-Finally, things are as crazy as ever in the real world. We feel like this is an accurate summary of the current influenza outbreak that is scaring the hell out of everyone. Not suitable for work/minors/lack of humor/lack of Winnie the Pooh knowledge:




Don't call it a comeback, we've been here for months.


True Story.

(Un?)necessary Rap Wednesdays

Sorry America, this post is 2 weeks coming....that'll happen when you turn on your computer-type devices, access the Internet machine and stream a song with the lyrics:

"Got Weed?"
"I got blunt?"
"My Name Jamal!"

Proceed to immediately Blackout.

Yeap, you're goddamn skippy.....Funk DoctaSpot and Johnny Blaze are back, set to drop a sequel to their 1999 Platinum jumpoff "Blackout" (and supposedly a How High 2...stay tuned.)

So what have they been up to? A few albums, a few shows...and this just in....hip hop does not pay the bills (contrary to popular belief),
but they still like weed.

Fin.

Enjoy: "Ayo" ft Suakrates (no, really, that's his name...
...Of course it is.)



True Red & Mef
(circa 95)

Drew Kiper Jr. Index (Holiday Edition)

Christmas is almost here. By the time this is posted, my favorite time of the year will be here. This year’s draft we’re starting to see a switch in draft stock based on position (something I noted in last year’s draft). That is, the top teams are not in need of position players anymore. Quarterbacks have typically gone very high in the draft, for good reason. However, even though there are 2 high quality signal callers this year, it is a stretch to put both in the top 5. St Louis, KC, Cleveland, Cincy, Oakland, and Green Bay all have quarterbacks that they are confident can play the position at a high quality level for another 3+ years. Even Seattle and Jacksonville have potential Pro Bowl quarterbacks. An even better argument can be made for running backs. Only Cleveland really needs a lead back to carry the full role. Teams like New Orleans, Houston, Jets, Philly, Indy, and Arizona would like another back to pair with the lead runners, but most of them have much more pressing needs on defense.

In essence the draft is becoming a system of have and have-nots. However, I’m not talking about the players, I’m talking about upper management. Teams that have people that know how to coach players and build a team (New England, Indy, Tenn, Pitt, Giants, Minn, Philly) are constantly picking at the bottom of the draft. As those teams lose position players via free agency, trades, or old age; they still have a pretty good selection of them at the bottom of the draft. It’ll be interesting to see next year how many teams don’t need a quarterback, running back, left tackle, or wide out.

Anyways, without further adieu, Drew Kiper Jr’s 2009 NFL Mock:

Detroit – Matt Stafford

St Louis – Eugene Monroe

KC – Aaron Curry

Seattle –Mark Sanchez

Cleveland – Michael Crabtree

Cincy – Brian Orkapo

Oakland – Jeremy Maclin

Jacksonville – Jason Smith

Green Bay – Aaron Maybin

SF – Andre Smith

Buffalo – Michael Oher

Denver – BJ Raji

Washington – Robert Ayers

New Orleans – Malcolm Jenkins

Houston – Clay Matthews

San Diego – Tyson Jackson

NYJ – Brandon Pettigrew

Denver – Rey Maualaga

Tampa – Josh Freeman

Detroit – Everette Brown

Philly – Beanie Wells

Minnesota – Perria Jerry

New England – Larry English

Atlanta – Alphonso Smith

Miami – Brian Cushing

Baltimore – Darius Heyward-Bey

Indy – Darius Butler

Buffalo – Jarron Gilbert

NYG – Hakeem Nicks

Tennessee – Percy Harvin

Arizona – Knowshon Moreno

Pittsburgh - Eben Britton

*Feel free to criticize on Sunday if I suck and listen to the gloating if I’m right

Wild Card Players

o Beanie Wells
o Mark Sanchez
o Brian Orkapo
o BJ Raji
o Percy Harvin

Wild Card Teams

o Jacksonville
o Green Bay
o Cleveland

(True Story?)

Oh Internet, you Saucy Minx

"We Didn't Start the Flame War" from College Humor

(NSFW)

True Story.

.....say whatnow?

Naw, you're right Anderson. No one caught that...





Abuuuuuh?

Casino Street

Ernie's Frustration with Bert finally boils over and goes Batsh*&, promptly giving him the business

NSFW for the language, kiddos



True Story.

Don't Say Flavors, Just Say Colors

That's right, another (albeit late) edition of (Un?)necessary Rap Wednesdays!

And with the weather starting to warm up (unlike the Sox's "stable" of pitching), we all will look for a tasty beverage to kick back and relax with these upcoming months

No no, no brewhaha, but some of that Oh Yeah



F the Economy. Kool-Aid is recession proof...
PAY UP



Now we know, everybody's got their own drinks to handle the biz in the Spring and Summer....
but listen America, all that really needs to be said is just add



Truer Words have never been spoken.

Teabagging Party

We are not trying to be biased. We really don't even enjoy taxes as much as any other person. However, this is absolutely, ri-goddamn-diculous.

Is there not one Fox News intern born after 1985 that could have told all of these guys about Urban Dictionary?!?! Nobody? Bueller?..... Bueller?

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Ladies and gentlemen, the Republican Party in its last days.

True Story.

Drew Kiper Jr. Index

As we get ready for annual NFL Christmas (April 25-26), it’s time to review NFL Halloween season (Free agency). Many NFL teams are going to find their pillow cases full of King Size Snicker Bars; however, some are also gonna wake up and find their house egged, a flaming bag of poop, and their lawn covered in toilet paper (I’m talking to you Cleveland). Let’s take a look at some of the most notable transactions this offseason:


T.O. signed by Buffalo – T.O. absolutely destroyed the Philadelphia locker room. However, he wasn’t to fault in Dallas. In the end Jerry Jones gave in to peer pressure and had to release him. T.O. will be on his best behavior this year in Buffalo and will give the entire AFC East a headache every time they face him. Suddenly, Buffalo’s offense looks very explosive with Lee Evans, Mershawn Lynch, T.O. and 3rd yr QB Trent Edwards. Add in the fact they have a solid O-line, the many explosive TEs in this year’s draft, and Dick Jauron having the hottest seat of any coach in the league, and Buffalo could become very formidable.

Matt Cassel and Mike Vrabel traded to KC for a 2nd Rd pick – Bonny and Clyde, Gary Payton, Ali Baba, Scott Pioli. What do these people all have in common? Apparently, they’re the best thieves of all time as Pioli absolutely stole 2 potential pro bowlers from his former team. Yeah, there have been a lot of rationalizations (the Pats turned a 7th rd pick into a 2nd or the pats didn’t want to pay the money to a first rd pick) but I don’t believe either of those. The Pats added an extra first round pick last year and were willing to pay Shawn Springs nearly $6.5 mil this year (Last year’s 3rd overall pick Matt Ryan only made $3.5 mil last yr in base salary and roster bonus). The Chefs get a franchise quarterback to build around and a veteran pro bowler that will big leadership AND production. Icing on the cake for Pioli joining that thieves list: Both play arguably the most important position on their side of the ball. How many teams constantly look for either a quarterback and/or a pass rusher??

Patriots attempt to get ‘younger’ by adding everybody over 30 that got cut from other teams (Springs, Taylor, Galloway, Lewis, Baker) – Speaking of the Pats, they made a huge attempt to drink from the fountain of youth, or at least that’s what they said when they got rid of Vrabel, Jabar Gaffney, LaMont Jordan, Rosevelt Colvin, Rodney Harrison, Deltha O’Neal, and Junior Seau. In reality, they replaced most of those players with other old players. Granted, don’t get me wrong, they are a better team. Springs and Galloway still have a lot of ball left in them and Lewis and Baker will fit right into Belichek’s system, but don’t blatantly lie to our faces. Btw, Billy B, if you’re reading, I think you should know this is not what Ponce de Leon was talking about.

Bears trade two 1st Rd picks, a 3rd Rd pick, and Kyle Orton for Jay Cutler and a 5th Rd pick – I’m going to be in the minority here and call this a great deal for Denver. Denver was in need of a major roster overhaul. Yeah, they came close to going to the playoffs last year, but their defense is atrocious save for a few select players. Four first rounders in the next two years allow them to build that defense to an elite level, while still addressing needs on the offensive side of the ball. Furthermore, they got Kyle Orton who Josh McDaniel is apparently smitten with (I’ve also always been a big fan of Chris Simms and believe he could become a franchise quarterback if given the chance. As soon as he got it going in Tampa, he got hurt and then benched). And if McDaniel, the mastermind behind Tom Brady and Matt Cassel, likes what he saw on film of Orton, then that’s good enough for me. Meanwhile, the Bears are in a win-now mode. Unfortunately, they’re like Aquaman of the Justice League. Devin Hester is still learning how to become a receiver. Greg Olson doesn’t exactly cause matchup problems. And who on earth is starting at the other receiver?? Earl Bennett?? Finally, that defense is aging and just isn’t the force it use to be. It wouldn’t a problem, except now Chicago has no way to restock itself. They haven’t had a good quality top to bottom draft since 2004 (they’re last late round gem: Roosevelt Colvin, 4th Rd, 1999). Unless they pull out a Super Bowl this year, this trade will set them back a good couple of years.

Detroit sucks again (Trading away Cory Redding and Jon Kitna, Signing Grady Jackson, Phillip Buchanon, Bryant Johnson, Maurice Morris, and other people that suck) – Last year one analyst said that there was only 1 player on the Lions that would start for any other team (Ernie Sims) and only 2 or 3 that would be on any other team (Leigh Bodden, Cory Redding, and possibly Jeff Backus). I’ll add that Kitna would make a great backup QB somewhere. Bodden, Redding, and Kitna are now gone. In return, they got Anthony Henry (Dallas didn’t even want him in their secondary) and Julius Peterson (Hurray??). The people they got to replace those three that left: Phillip Buchanon, Grady Jackson, and resigning Daunte Culpepper. Big name acquisition to supplement those three: Bryant Johnson. Who needs a bail-out more: Ford Motor Company or the Detroit Lions?

Minnesota trades for Sage Rosenfels – Matt Cassel, Jay Cutler, Sage Rosenfels. One of these things are not like the other. (I’ll give you a hint: the first two that got traded are legit). Minnesota has a team ready to make a Super Bowl run except for their quarterback. To rectify the problem, they trade for Sage Rosenfels?? Can I remind that Sage Rosenfels hasn’t been able to beat out Jay Fielder, Brian Griese, Tony Banks, Jeff George, Kent Graham, Kevin Lockett, AJ Feely, and Gus Frerotte in the past.

*Side note: Can this position battle be decided by their names instead of actual talent? Tarvaris vs. Sage. What would be better than this? Our friend L-Griff weighs in on the name battle with this quote (keep in mind that T-Jax did look a little winded during that playoff loss to Philly): “I’d rather have a cool name than asthma”. Enough Said.

Kellen Winslow gets traded to Tampa – The soulja get out of the seventh layer of Dante’s Inferno and got his wish of a big day. Besides leaving Braylon Edwards alone on the battlefield, this move gives Tampa Bay a legit weapon to pair with the resurgent Antonio Bryant. Tampa’s QB (btw, is that really Luke McCown, there is no other better option? Rodney Peete really refuses to come back? I hear Vinny is still around if nothing else) will finally have a legit red zone option and someone that can cause matchup problems at all levels. If the Ward/Graham running back combo works, the Michael Clayton/Maurice Stovall combo works, and McCown transforms into Sage Rosenfels, then this offense will be able to put up points.

Albert Haynesworth signs with the Redskins – Besides the accusations of tampering, this signing was the best thing the Redskins could have done in free agency. Ever since he got suspended for stomping on Andre Gurode’s face, Haynesworth has been an absolute unstoppable force in the league. In two years since then, he has 14.5 sacks, 3 forced fumbles, and 91 tackles in 27 games. Note: this has all been done facing double teams. The addition of Haynesworth automatically makes the Redskins in the mix and could give them the best defense in the NFC. Other the hand, Tennessee has to hope some of its rotational players step up and that their linebackers can play without the massive beast in the middle.


Most Underrated Acquisitions:

o Sean Jones (FS) signing with Philadelphia

This guy is a pure beast

o Jason Brown (C) signing with St Louis

They desperately needed O-line help

o Igor Olshansky (DE) signing with Dallas

Came cheaper than resigning Chris Canty and will be better

o Leigh Bodden (CB) signing with New England

Cheap one year deal for the most talented corner in free agency



What the Hell Were They Thinking Acquisitions (Not Including those mentioned above):

o Denver signing J.J. Arrington, Lamont Jordan, and Correll Buckhalter

Josh McDaniels does realize they all play the same position right?

o Anything Cleveland did

The biggest name out of 10 free agents they brought in: David Patten

o Bears signing Kevin Shaffer and Orlando Pace

Really? Orlando Pace and last year’s first round pick Chris Williams will start at tackle, making Kevin Shaffer an $8 million backup. For a tackle, Really?


(Editor's Note: True Story.)